September 20, 2005
The Reality Show
She came to my work today. I had to poke her to see if she was real or a ghost. She stood in the parking lot in the midday sun like a mirage. She stood there and i couldn't understand why i was looking at her, looking at me, beautiful and sad and full of words that fell on me like rain that wouldn't dry up as i drove home.
I felt like a statue. I felt like skin and bones with nothing else in between. I felt too young to be so worn out and spent up like a dollar bill rejected from a vending machine.
I was too afraid to listen the radio. I didn't want to ruin another song with the association of a memory i won't be able to forget as i drove home along the ocean. The windows were open. Outside on the ocean the sky was empty and it floated on the water. There was no taste in my mouth. No sound in my ears. The beach was empty. The sky was empty. And the sun shone straight down on the freeway.
I walked in the door. Prada was there with a sock in her mouth. I walked into the living room.
There was a blond girl in a bikini. She was crying. There was music playing. She was talking to a guy about how much she loved him. He was apologizing for how much he didn't.
It cut to a commercial. Zach turned off the T.V.
"We should start a reality show about Ventura County." he said. he was smiling and sprawling across the couch. It was 4:30 in the afternoon.
"They can just film us here" as said as he raised his hand in the air and swung his finger around the room. The door was open. There was vomit drying in the sun on the back porch. The keg in the yard was floating in a trash can in the yard. The curtains were torn and blowing in the breeze like the pirate's sails on open seas. The coffee table was full plastic cups and empty baggies blew like tumble weed across floor between mismatched shoes and an empty bottle of instant carpet spot remover.
I sat there in my skin and bones, trying to feel something in between. I sat there trying in vain like waiting for change from a broken vending machine.
"There are some realities i would rather forget." i said.