September 05, 2005
The Last Day of Summer
"I would like to believe you." she said.
The waves lapped at the stones along the edge of the lake behind us. In the dark i could see her put her head in her hands. Across the lake the last of the fireworks were like screaming in the dark like a party guest that wouldn't go home. The fire was almost out. the air was cold and it hung in the dark like a vampire over the water, it's teeth sucking the summer out of the lake.
We would all like to believe something. But we all seem to have to know it is true before we can ever do such a thing. And that almost always ruins everything, every time. The sky was big and black, reminding me how little i know and how even less there is to believe. Right there, the only thing i knew was that me and my words didn't stand a chance, and that it was late, and like so many times before, i was leaving early in the morning.
There are street corners in small towns tucked in valleys between hills far away where things live that i want to believe in, but that i may never know. but even there, the cruelness of this world has hit like stones through glass. even there, trust has been broken like windows, and they have been boarded up before i could ever look in them.
When one person is mean to another, everyone else has to pay the price, i suddenly realized. when someone's trust is betrayed, it's the rest of the world that has to walk on the broken glass. it's the rest of us that are shut out. It's the rest of us who sit beside a lake on the last day of summer.
I leaned back and looked at the stars. The sky was as big and black as it has ever been.
"If i ever have children," i think i said out loud, "I am afraid i will never be able to explain to them how to be true. I'm afraid everyone by then will be broken and there will be no trust anymore."
I felt like i arrived too late. I felt like I have always been too late. Like my words will never again mean anything to anyone. Like my actions will never again amount to anything. like every mile, every highway sign, and every dawn and every doorway i have been through has all only amounted to a pat on the head and a pinch on the cheek, and then a goodbye. like every window to every world in every town in every house and in every person has been broken and boarded up. Like we are all just throwing stones and walking on glass.
She looked up at the fire. her tears reflected quietly off her face.
And once again, the scoreboard in the stars added a mark for reason over ardor.
And once again, i was left with the aching feeling that every thought that makes every word that comes out of my little heart and even smaller mind, are always better left unsaid.
And once again, summer gave way to autumn, and the fire grew dim. The fireworks had their finale. And the summer houses in the small town around the lake began to close shutters over their windows for another year.