(See what I am saying?): the definition of desperation and loneliness according to Sprint PCS

June 26, 2004

the definition of desperation and loneliness according to Sprint PCS

i have never felt less than complete in any of the various situations and predicaments in my life. it has been me and what i think and do and where i am and that was always, if not great, very fun and fine.

in other cities, it is up for debate, but in columbus ohio, the axis line for the cultural, social and economical activity of the city is high street. and there on high street i stood with my heart wrapped in up in whisky like barbed wire and saturated in nicotine. my veins on my arm felt hollow and looked like cracks in the sidewalk as i clenched in the palm of my hand the small chance at a connection across the northern hemisphere to the only thing i could imagine that could make me feel better. inside, there was nothing on either side of the bar that was working.

i leaned over the newspaper boxes and ignored the drunks and the gays yelling at me through the back seat car windows at the red light as i pleaded with the sprint operator to activate my account for international calling. i had negotiated a 89 cents per minute, no monthly fee upgrade, but no matter how much i insisted, no matter how detailed i explained my story, no matter how hard i tried to simplify my monosyllable speech i spoke into the cell phone, i could not get any better than a 4 hour lag in the enabling of the wireless service upgrade. by then the hotel room would be empty and the work of Apollodorus, Damascus, and the ancient and unknown would be echoing the unanswered telephone ringing in the sunrise. and i would be left standing on the sidewalk outside the bar on high street, in columbus ohio.

right then and there i could see the earth and its continents and countries divided up like the diagram of a cow in a butcher shop. like broken china glued back together. like my heart broken up in pieces so small it won't ever fit back together again. like each piece of the whole world was painted in a pastel palate like on the globe on the reading table in the third grade. and there were too many colors and shapes between me and where i needed to be to ever hope of feeling comfortable complete and understood.

i sat on the columbus dispatch paper box with the saturday edition already inside, thanked the sprint operator for her help, hung up the phone, waited for international roaming to be activated, and watched the broken up world and all of the little and far apart pieces in it.

Posted by Todd Roeth at June 26, 2004 10:38 AM

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