April 19, 2004

the 7 seas of me

some mornings come like a ship returning from sea. and on those mornings i am glad that life isn't as important and dramatic as it seemed during the night lying seasick in the dark. like maybe this is just life and that is all.

like maybe i can just work hard and be good at something.
like maybe i can just fall in love with someone and be with them.
like maybe i can just sit still someday and have that happen.

The sun burned the dew off the Bryant Park lawn and i couldn't remember for a minute if the sun was rising or setting. like life doesn't have a beginning middle and an end. or at least in that order. like the things i think at 4:30 a.m. about life and love, and heaven and hell, and growing old and being true to myself all the affects to the decisions i make will that will never be so plainly seen in this lifetime- if ever seen at all. and in the morning when the sun finally comes up i can shrug it all off and get back to dry land and the safe and soft reality of waiting until tommorow, unreturned phone calls, rational decisions, and finding the safest way to grow old without anyone ever noticing and without ever hurting anyone. and i can watch the sun rise and the steam burn off the green and have to remember it for myself because there was no one else there to ever remind me of it. and i sat there and picked from all the paths there are to take and pondered the possibilities of them ever crossing again.

sometimes at 4:30 a.m. i can loose my balance as I back up towards the end of the plank. and there in the dark air that lies dead on top of me i can see everyone and everything i have somehow managed to leave on the ship as the one-eyed pirates inside of me prod and push me out to the edge so i can see what there is to see past the end of the board. and for the sake of adventure, not growing old safely, and hurting no one but myself, i always turn around and look over the edge and into the great black and endless ocean. i always end up at the end looking back at everyone on the ship. and it always seems to be in the dark when the thoughts have burned a black hole in my heart and there is no one there to put it out and fill it back up.

and with my heart smoldering like the fog rising off the green grass i wished someday to have more than one thing to hold onto at once. i wished for the paths to cross. i have been all dressed up with no where to go. {see ex. #1.} i have had my cake, but no one to eat it with. {see ex. #2.} i have looked good on paper and had no one to read it. there are far too many possibilities on this earth and on it's oceans for me to ever see it all and to understand even half of it. but in the black ocean that drifts in my head i sometimes sail alone on the water looking for everything at once.

there are pirates out on the seven seas and in my head. there are pirates in pittsburgh and on the movie screen. and they all live for the thrill and the chase and the adventure. they all want everything all at once. they all get me excited and dangerous and they all make me walk the plank now and then at 4:30 am.

Posted by Todd Roeth at April 19, 2004 07:21 AM
Comments

what's a pirates favorite letter?

Rrrrrrrr!

Posted by: jack sparrow on April 21, 2004 10:56 PM

fantastic entry. although i'm really concerned on the part about the one-eyed pirate inside of you. i told you to stay out of west village.

Posted by: stephey on April 22, 2004 07:19 AM

Are you referring to butt pirates? Immature...sure, but I couldn't resist

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leave stephey out of this!!!! it's on stephey!

Posted by: perez on April 22, 2004 04:42 PM

I'm just saying it's NYC man. I've been there. I know the pressures of sexual conversion man. When you see two neatly shaven, well groomed, sharply dressed, hansom, tan, well built, men coming down the street you may think about jumping on them. that's all i'm saying.

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whatever dude...i aint gotta listen to what none of you say

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