February 21, 2004
Off Broadway:
The rain drops fell heavy and hit my head poking me like my mother waking me up on a school morning. waking me up from my dream. waking me up from inside of me. the marquees on 44th street blinked above me as i walked under them between the exiting audiences leaving make believe stories and walking back onto the street of this make believe world.
In the fluorescent flicker of the phone booth the couple was kissing with her hand on the receiver. I could hear the dial tone hum like slow song on their dance floor. The waitress stood under an awning with her black apron smoking a cigarette. she stared across 8th Ave. like she was on a beach staring into an ocean. The man and his bourbon sat lonely on a barstool in the window watching the women walk down the sidewalk in sunglasses smiling in the dark.
At a lunch yesterday that served 60 people 3 plates each and cost the sum of a yearly salary, I photographed under the chandeliers and doric pillars. I weaved between the black ties with french accents with slow synced shutter speeds. I walked quietly among the sterling and smiles white wine and fine china. In the kitchen under the lamps i had 4 more stops and photographed the food as it was scooped up by the cursing men among rude comments and snide bickering. They argued about pay checks complained about each other and belittled the guests their swore at their jobs. And as they grabbed the fine china like sacks of money at bank heist and walked back out into the low light, they smiled and made believe again. Then made the guest believe they were kind, well mannered, patient and wealthy.
After the lunch everyone asked me why i didn't eat. i didn' t want to taste food that was so expensive, because it would have tasted just like food. served by people who tried to make me believe it was something else, and that they liked me, and each other, and the chandeliers, and white wine and fine china.
The rain began to fall harder like it was shaking me, trying to wake me up like i was late for the school bus. waking me up like i slept through the alarm. waking me up like it was too late.
I walked home from the show and realized there are make believe beauties and there are make believe beasts. And that I don't need a stage and velvet seats to see them. They are carrying brief cases, and behind big desks, and on fashion show runways and they are in the photographs on album covers and behind the camera that took them. They are kissing to the dial tone in the phone-booth. they are standing in the doorway staring off into their ocean. they are walking down the sidewalk in sunglasses and they are drinking beside empty barstools. they are everyone as soon as they leave their little shithole apartments and penthouse parlors and brownstone bunkers. They are anyone who doesn't consider the notion that there is anything else under the clothes or at the bottom of the glass or after the corporate board room meeting or behind the kitchen doors.
i looked over at the duane reade pharmancy. i wondered if there was a pill somewhere on their back shelves i could swallow to make me not to think so much and believe more. i wondered then if would dance to the dial tone more. i wondered then if i wouldn't think about what i love so much and would just love it. i wondered then if i would stare off into my ocean more.i wondered then if i wouldn't think so much about what i hate and would just hate it. i wondered then if i could just sit and look at the girls in the sunglasses more. i wondered then if i would stop searching for the beast in the beauty and let the beasts be beasts.
The rain began to pour down in the dark. i stood on my stage at the corner of 42nd and 8th. I began to sing. and wished the rain would wake me up and make me believe in making believe.
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