February 19, 2004

Living Free (lance)

"This rounds on me." the bartender pushed the pints across the varnished maple grain with his nova Scotia accent.

I had lost count on this particular night. I never was one for keeping track. I sat on the bar stool like john wayne sat on his steed. My holsters were the brass foot rail and outside the skyline stood stoic like the mesas that silhouette the purple skyline on the wide open range in south hollywood sets. inside this black and white movie ryan beyni and i sat like cowboys talking about the lonesome life on the open range. The range we were talking about, however was anywhere the internet reaches, or the the lighting kits can be driven to, or where you can prop a laptop on an armrest and find an airport connection, or wherever the extension cord can reach the to the strobes and battery packs, or as far as you can reach when you spread yourself too thin for your own reasons across the wide open range of a freelance career.

We sat in our saddles in the low light and wood grain just under street level and i listened to him remind me that you either do it your way or someone else's. you either do it for your own reasons or someone else's. you can work hard between rush hour commutes to make someone else more money than they pay you in return, or you can work hard all the time to make yourself less money and watch yourself spend every cent of it. he reminded me that you can fall in love with things other than people. he reminded me you can be passionate without apologizing, but you have to be passionate without always being understood.

but most of all he reminded me of all the middlemen in this life. all the voicemail machines that relay my messages for me and all the managers who do the talking for me and all the secretaries who do the listening for me and all the bank tellers who put my checks in the drawer for me and all the salesman who make promises for me and all the systems that turn a straight line into a circle.

it thought about 401K's and paid holidays and $15 co-pays and stacked them up like coins and weighed them against the intangible satisfaction living life in a straight line and the thrill of having nothing guaranteed and no one else to blame for it. i thought about doing all of my own listening and my own talking while making and keeping all of my promises.

my brained vibrated in the low light. outside the skyline stood stoic like the mesas that silhouette the purple skyline as ryan and i sat like lonesome cowboys in the dark bar on our open range. i thought about all the possibilities and approaches there are in this life, all the people and ideas one can fall in love with - so much so that they live their life according to them - and tried to remember all my thoughts and money sitting their respective banks that have never seemed to go as far i would have liked them to.

but I had lost count on this particular night. I never was one for keeping track.

Posted by Todd Roeth at February 19, 2004 04:37 PM