(See what I am saying?): Looking both ways (Cold As Ice)

January 24, 2004

Looking both ways (Cold As Ice)

I was surrounded in the monochrome of ochre orange and helvetica of the New York Subway system. i was surrounded by hard workers and lost lovers and iPod users and the thoughts of saving money for comfortable lives and happy wives. it was all around me. even here i feel like i am not part of what i am surrounded in when in fact i am surrounded in what i am.

My brain hurt from thinking about the consequences of things that will never happen. my teeth smiled at the thought of what might. and every-time i pulled out my money it felt like i was coughing up blood beside the interstate in the blinking hazard lights of an old pickup truck. We ascended into times square singing along to the words to the forienger's greatest hits album. There were plenty of blinking lights, but there were no pickup trucks.

The world was multi-tasking right in front of me. The marquees scrolled over my head reminding me of the markets are falling debt is rising. i walked past people showing me it is hard to be poor and also be beautiful. i held her hand and realized it is easy to be happy and impossible to see everything all at once.

For a moment while looking both ways on the Broadway boulevard I understood there are somethings that i will never be able to do at the same time. I will never be able to be young and comfortable. i will never be able be true and wealthy. i will never be able be ambitious and be a good friend, and as we walked across broadway through the hazard lights of my life, i saw myself as part of the surroundings. i saw her fingers and her gloves on my arm. i saw myself laughing and i saw her singing. i saw myself as happy and looking for everything at once. i was young and uncomfortable. i was true to myself and perfectly successful at being unsuccessful. and as the bright lights burned around me, i missed my friends.

As we walked east past Howard Johnson's the wind blew down 46th street and i was also made very aware that, like being young, i cannot be in new york in january and be completely comfortable. i thought ahead as the wind blew backwards down the street. We ducked into a resturaunt entrance with a baby grand and black sport coats and gray hair. She laughed at the menu prices and the wardrobes, and ran back out into the cold.

i stood there for a moment in the dim light and soft jazz and looked at what i didn't have. i considered the tradeoff, then smiled and ran back out into the cold to see what i did.

Posted by Todd Roeth at January 24, 2004 11:59 PM

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