(See what I am saying?): #23.

January 04, 2004

#23.

"Thanks." I said as real as i could to mean it and as casual as i could to sound sincere.

Stephey walked out into the late night in the rain as the door shut behind him.

His words flew like a bird into my belfry and ran into my brain and left it ringing like a bell in the night. i felt like i was a tuning fork humming, vibrating like funnybone, like when people say things to you that make you believe that maybe you are not crazy, like a mouthfull of chewing tobacco, like maybe you are right to feel like you do, like maybe you are not invisible to everyone in the world, like maybe, just maybe i stand a chance.

i couldn't sit down. so i stood up. and i thought about what i heard myself saying back to him.

"I just don't want to be someone who thinks everything and does nothing." i told him.

"I just don't want stand here my whole life. " i told him.

"i need to make something happen." i told him.

So i thought about what i have done in the last year. but i could only remember about a month back. so i started there and worked my way back in the same order that i write down phone numbers:

1. moved out of college, again, 2. looked east into the pacific ocean 3. fell asleep with my face pressed against the window 4. watched the sun rise in central park, as well as the toledo train station 5. watched the sun set in japan 6. watched the sun not set at all out a window of a 777. 7.drank a budweiser at who knows what time of the morning somewhere east of rochester. 8. watched ryan adams fall of the stage in Ann Arbor 9. fell asleep on my sister in the back of a car 10. carved my tire tread pattern in the interstate to Pittsburgh and back 11. had an ear wax candle party 12. made money 13. spent even more. 14. changed my mind about 99% of what i previoulsy thought i was 99% sure of. 15. feathered my hair. 16. hummed backup for a german door to door christmas carroling act. 17. listened to the kenny rogers greatest hits record all night. 18. ate beef hormone. 19. learned what johnny cash meant when he sang "Flesh and Blood". 20. developed a deep fear of kinkos. 21. ran through times square at 2:00 am. 22. wished for something more.

"i need to make something happen." i told him again as his tail lights smeared through the puddles in the gravel lane.

and as he drove away in the late night, my bell rang loud, and i realized that things have happened. i realized things are happening, and i realized that maybe, just maybe i stand a chance.

Posted by Todd Roeth at January 4, 2004 08:24 PM

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