December 29, 2003

The birthday boy

"I just couldn't live like that." he said. The town was dark and the streetlights bled down the wet windshield as we drove out of town.

"But that is me. and I am not you." he added, before i could even recognize that he should have said it.

We were leaving the mexican restaurant, where the mexican waiter brought him a Tecate and a sombrero to commemorate his 20,440th day inside his skin. We were driving home and the conversation continued about what will happen in the new year. I tried my best not to talk about me, but we did. and we talked about what i wanted and where i was going. He sat there beside me in the truck and for the first time i felt okay not being like him and okay not comparing myself to him. and i have logn since stopped using excuses and apologies as explantaions to anyone.

But i know what he is. And he is not me.
Sometimes that is more than i can say about myself.

But what he is, is a father and a son. he is a brother and husband. he has worn coat and tie, and bellbottoms and beards, and he has worn nothing at all. he has grown his hair long had it cut off at boot camp. he has fallen off tractors and has fallen in love and stayed up late and fell asleep early. he has been up the creek and he has walked down the aisle. he has strummed his guitar and he has revved his motorcycle. he is a teacher and he has been taught. he has people look up to him and he looks up to others. he has pulled the trigger and pushed the paper. he has hitch hiked to hawaii and froze his ass off in alaska. he has believed in youth, he has made promises he has kept and he has made resolutions he has forgotten. he has been young and hip and poor. he has gotten a job, and grown up, and he has wished the all money he made could make him young and hip and poor again. he has been drunk and he has been lonely. he has made up his mind and he has had his mind changed. he has buried his mother. he has buried his father. he has outlived his sister. he has outlived fashions. he has had a son and a daughter, and has seen them bring the fashions back in again from his closet. he has picked up new born animals from their afterbirth and has brought them into this world and he has buried them in the ground when they have died. he has planted trees in the ground when he could pinch their fragile trunks between his dirty fingernails. he has watched them grow up and die and cut them down with a thundering crash to the ground again. he has swung a maul and drove it down into their trunks, splitting them through the pith and stacked them neatly in piles in barns and under porch roofs. and as the water between the wood grain turned sour and fermented and evaporated, he has burned them into ashes to warm the house his father built and thrown the ashes back into the ground. he has lived how he has chosen, and he has lived how he had to. and he tries to understand his son and he does. and he doesn't.

"Well," I replied, "You don't choose what you love. but I have chosen to follow it."

The black rain bled down the wind shield. He nodded. It was a nod to tell me he understood. and that he didn't understand. And he didn't say anything more.

Posted by Todd Roeth at December 29, 2003 03:45 PM
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