December 25, 2003
I-70, mile marker 59 to 61:
If anyone ever asks me why i do what i do, i am telling them now.
I chose this way maybe because it is easy, it is easy to see all this and i am lazy not to search for something harder to do. or maybe it is because it intrigues me and excites me i am scared to not to live a life that is not exciting and interesting. or maybe it is because i am dumb and i can't see past it. i can't look past these simple things. but they are what i learn from. i can look at letters on highway signs and dashboards and the numbers on watches and hands that tick on their faces and i can look at the patterns on the soles of shoes and i can look at lines made on the interstate and the lines made on people's faces and the design made in the furrows in the fields where the half melted snow sits between them running in parallel lines around the topography. i can look at the truss-work in the frames of half built barns and braided barbed wire and the stripes and grids made in grass just cut by lawnmowers. and i can look at the rust bleeding our of rivets in iron beams like bleeding bullet-holes in the buildings in new york city and the peeling paint on water towers in kansas. hubcaps. license plates. and i can look at words that are spelled right, and i can look at words that are spelled wrong and i can think about words that have never been written down on fine blue lines on college ruled notebook paper. and i can look at the silhouette of a sycamore tree when the leaves have fallen on the ground and feathered out around its trunk and geese flying in lower case letters across the sky. and i look at ticket stubs and fast food menus and dry cleaner receipts and designs stitched quilts and down vests and in the aluminum sheet metal on the back of tractor trailers driving down the interstate that ask "How's My Driving?" i can see all of these things, and i wonder if anyone else see what i see, or if they do and are able to get over it. and i wonder if what i do is important enough, or smart enough, or if it makes a difference, or if what i am doing is only adding more of the same to what i already see. but it makes life interesting to me and that is the way am choosing to live it. and i can't stand to live with my eyes closed. and i can't stand to live without thinking about it, so i look around and this is what i see, what everyone sees, or maybe no one sees it but me. but it is what makes me think. maybe i all i am doing is adding more of the same tangled and contradicted mess to the world i see. but at least i am not taking away. i don't ever want to take away.
(*recorded on a Belkin iPod voice recorder. thanks for the christmas present mom. ((driving alone while missing someone may be detrimental to your carrer plans and is bad for your general well being.))
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