December 21, 2003
Search Party, Part 2.
"Do you think about God?" she asked.
It was snowing in Pittsburgh as the earth sat slanted on its axis and swung around the sun. it was Pittsburgh's turn to lean away from the light. and as pale sun shone low and lazy across the leaning latitude, we sat in the kitchen on the dimmest quarter of the globe on the darkest day of the year.
"Are you searching for answers?" she asked, not looking up from the table. she was sitting beside me on the white chair. One knee was tucked up under her arm, and her foot sat flat on the seat of the chair. she was in her bare feet and i was sitting still. and her words ran into me like freight train.
I stood up to see if my feet were still under my knees.
"The spoons are in the drawer by the sink." she said.
I smiled. she didn't see it. I smiled because i wished she knew that i am searching. i was searching for eating utensils. and i am searching for god. i am searching for love and understanding and some clarity wouldn't hurt either. some of those things she has seem to have found. and i am not sure she was even looking for them. but i am. and the only thing i know less about any of them is what will happen if i find them. because i will still be alive, so i am told. i just stood there at the sink. My brain ached like i have been shouting at the top of my lungs in the bottom of the grand canyon my whole life, and i was left waiting to hear the echo.
the pale kitchen fell silent. and as the freight train passed through me, i wondered if i was just running along beside it, waiting to find an open to door to hitch a ride on it. waiting for an open door to carry me down the tracks. i pulled open the drawer and found a spoon, and decided that i will keep running. i will keep searching. i will keep wondering. until i find my place to hop on board and be taken away.
i looked out the window above the sink and wondered why winter makes me happy.
I looked out the sliding glass doors and into the dark yard covered in snow and wondered why sometimes i can't sleep at night.
I looked at her with her leg tucked up under her arm in the pale kitchen light and wondered why we sit in the seats we do as we spin like a fifty cent ferris wheel ride around this solar system.
I sat back down beside her at the table, and as the sun set on the darkest day of the year, i decided there are some things worth finding. there are some things that will make me stop searching. and there are things that i am letting take me away.
I looked at her and the dark world upon the snow outside. and for a minute, with a spoon in my hand, my brain stopped shouting, and the world was simply black and white.
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