(See what I am saying?): My back against the wall

December 06, 2003

My back against the wall

I thought the doors would be open. i thought it would be them on one side, and it would be me on the other, and meeting them would be a way to walk through the door to their side, to work with them, to be part of what they are doing. i thought there was a door, and thus, a wall that separated me from them. i imagined a division between us that was a barrier that kept me from being successful, accomplished, and satisfied. i want to be part of what they are doing. i want to be like the people who i admire, who are better than me, and who make me understand i nowhere near as good as i should be.

We walked through the doors of the aomaya spiral and past the man in the black suit holding the sign that said "Canon, 3F." i got our name tags in the third floor lobby and looked around at the other attendees. they were standing there. they looked like me. actually they didn't look at all like me, and no one else spoke the same language i use, and without words, i sat there and watched. leanne left because she was hungry. we were supposed to enter in the double doors to take our seats in five minutes. 4 minutes later the elevator doors opened and she walked into the lobby smiling. she was holding a ham and cheese sandwich. she is always smiling. but i didn't think she would doing so with a ham and cheese sandwich in tokyo.

The room went dark as everyone sat silent and well dressed. not dressed up as much as dressed down very well. the hardwood floor was filled with black chairs and the stage was lit like a sapphire fireplace in a lunar ski lodge. The judges for the contest walked in single file and sat in the front row. Leanne started in on the second half of her sandwich. the lady at the podium swayed between japanese and english. i watched the judges on stage, and the winners get their recognition. I watched the very well dressed down winners walk consciously onto the stage and bow and shake hands. i listened to the judges, on the stage, on the other side of the wall. i went on stage. i went past the wall i thought was there. but it was just a stage. lit like sapphires on a hardwood floor in japan.

i sat back down in the dark in the black chair and felt my self zooming out. i felt my self walking backwards until the i saw the wall that separates me from them, the wall that separates me from success, accomplishment, and satisfaction, wasn't between us, it was around us.

as leanne finished her ham and cheese i felt my frame of reference change. it was like had been leaning my head against the wall this whole time, and all i could see were the bricks right in front of me. i couldn't see the people who i admire, who are better than me, and who make me understand i nowhere near as good as i should be. just the wall in front of me. and as i sat there i began to back up and look around and see that i was leaning my head against a wall in a room, and inside the room we were all together. we were all there, on the hardwood floor, dressed down very well, and lit in sapphire light. and the only door had a sign above it that read exit in 2 languages.

suddenly i realized that there is no division. i realized that they are who i admire because they are doing what they love, and their are doing it their way, and their way is only for them to do. they are not on the other side of some invisible division, or in some exclusive club where fancy business cards, expense accounts, and studio space, and health insurance is given out upon entry. they were sitting right there in the same room on the same black chairs.

and on my black chair, i realized i cannot be part of it. i cannot be belong to what they are doing. the best i can do is be in the same room, even if ti is with my face to the wall standing alone in the corner. by even wanting try to be included with them would be selfish. i would get in their way, i would not add to them, i would only take away. i can't work for them, because they are working for themselves. they are doing the work they love, and they are doing it by themselves, and they are known for it.

so as we clapped our hands and headed for the door that read exit in two languages, i realized that the only division is in my head, and the only door is the exit, and hot ham and cheese sandwiches are available in tokyo. and while success, accomplishment, and satisfaction is still somewhere else, i began to turn around, and at least for now, start by putting my back, not my face, to the wall.

Posted by Todd Roeth at December 6, 2003 10:06 AM

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