(See what I am saying?): Unlisted

November 22, 2003

Unlisted

"What you need to do," Claudia said to me as she sat cross legged with her arms around the pillow, "is to write down a list of what you want to accomplish in the next five years."

I leaned back on the beige carpet and looked at my blank list and tried to fill it out.

"When i was your age, i wanted a happy marriage and good kids." She continued. Behind her was a kingdom built of primary colored wood blocks, complete with a zoo and a gate for the 4x4 monster truck to enter. across the carpet was bruce lying on his back.

She smiled.

"Now it seems harder to remember that i have that, than imagining that i ever would." She said.

My own list was still blank.

"I am willing to bet that what you want now, you will get, and you will still want more. and i wish sometimes it wasn't like that." she said as she looked into the beige colored carpet.

It was 3:00 in the morning. The lamplight floated onto the angled ceiling and leaned on a 45 back into the room.

I tried to make a list.

I looked up at the angled lamplight and looked at my blank list. I realized i was ungrateful. i realized i was lazy. i realized i was scared.

I was ungrateful for never making a list. i was lazy because i have never defined what i want to happen next. and i realized i was scared to commit to a list, and i didn't know if the thought of accomplishing, or not accomplishing my list scared me more.

in my head, my life left the present like a bullet leaves a gun. it shot a hole right through tomorrow and tomorrow spider-webbed, shattered, and fell onto the beige colored carpet. And i realized i had no aim. i had no target. i had no list.

and like a recoil from the chamber, i shook at the thought. i turned around in my head and looked the other way.

Mark was sitting on the black chair leafing through a magazine with one eye and Bruce began talking about the hollowness of misplaced success. Then i realized my present circumstance and my present company. Instead of five years in the future, i thought about right then. Five years in the past, i never would have dreamed i would be sitting there on the floor with Bruce and Claudia Strong, and Mark Mirko leafing through a magazine on the black chair in the attic. And on my last night of school, i felt that no matter what my list might have read five years ago - had i the recognition, the motivation, and the courage to make one - it would have never read like this. and on my last night of school, we talked about things i needed to hear, things i needed to think about, and things i needed to try to understand. and if my list gets written and every item crossed off, i hope it brings me right back to evenings on beige carpets in lamp-lit attics at 3:00 a.m. hearing and thinking and understanding this.

this world is big and the possibilities are bigger. and my gun is going off in directions i don't know. but for that night, it felt like it had hit it's target.

Posted by Todd Roeth at November 22, 2003 03:30 PM

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