(See what I am saying?): Searching for a Special Occurrence

November 21, 2003

Searching for a Special Occurrence

How do you spell occurrence?" he asked.

I have a hard enough time trying to correctly write down girls numbers that i meet.

But that might because i don't meet any girls.

Or they just give me the wrong number when i do.

So i typed in dictionary.com. i typed in occurance. it told me how to spell it.

I left the building and walked into the daylight draining out of the sky and began thinking about what type of occurrence I am searching for.

i thought about how hard i seach for something that has meaning, that has beauty, and integrity, and purpose, and all the things i want to be part of.

and as the courderoy boys in front of the frat house perched on the porch like roosters and watched the daylight drain out of the sky with me, i thought about everything in my life that is special, and that i remember, and that i love, and how i came to find it. i walked across the bricks under the bare trees. i imagined a seach engine that would show me where to find what i am looking for.

What i want is not easy to find. what i like is not popular. what i love is hard to hold on to. and if there was an easy way to find it, if there was an easy way to keep it, it wouldn't be as special.

i began to think about how easy information is to get. and now, being smart has lost all of it's luster.

i can find out how to spell any word in my language. i can find out how to get anywhere on the map. i can tell you how tall mt. fuji is. and i can see pictures of a guy named brett who climbed it.

but what i want to say isn't in the dictionary.
where i want to go isn't on a map.
and brett and his snazz-a-rama photos of mt. fuji are his, not mine.

it is easy to be captivated by what is popular. it is easy to want to belong to it. big websites that advertise big magazines with big photos with big brand names are exciting to see. but they are easy to see. and they seldom are as special or as rewarding as what i find on my own, what i find unexpected, what i find by accident, or what is introduced by and shared with a friend. it is hard to resist the temptation of finding comfort and enjoyment in the thought of things so big, so easy to see, and so popular. sometimes though, i think it would be even harder not keep looking for more even if the big things were satisfying.

it is like having enough muster to resist the temptation and choose the smallest gift at the 4th grade christmas gift exchange when the big one wrapped up in red paper is the shape of a remote control firetruck and looks really nice.

i picked the big one. Chad Grimm picked the smallest one. i got a santa clause shaped sack of walnuts. he got a rubicks cube and everyone wanted to play with it. i sat off by the reading table acting like a santa clause shaped sack of walnuts was just what i always wanted.

i walked past the parking meters standing upright like an Easter Island post card. i walked over the cracks in the sidewalk that broke above the elm tree roots. i wondered if smaller was better. i wondered if secrets made things bigger. i wondered if music sounded best when i was the only one listening, if art was more beautiful more when no one was looking. if fame was better when my only fans were my friends. and if truth was better when i was the only one who knew it.

and i wondered if there is anything that google hasn't found besides my occurance.

Posted by Todd Roeth at November 21, 2003 05:07 PM

Comments

you took the words out of my head with that one... except for the part about chad grimm. i don't know him.

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