October 26, 2003
saving daylight
Bonwag said he wanted to capture it all on tape. he said he wanted to save it.
All the microphones on their stands were listening to the creaking hardwood floors and everytime the screen door shut on its hinges, made the green LED lights twitched and flexed in the dark cabin. The green lights especially flinched every time Molly sang.
I looked around the room. The air was warm and soft and seemed to melt and drip onto the wood floor with the candle wax. Shinny was sitting in the corner by the fireplace singing with his eyes closed. In between the candlewicked reflections in the window i watched stephey, cara and annie on the porch under the feeble incandescence recite the scripts of their lives. they were framed in the window pane like characters in silent movie screen acting out their life for me to see right there on the porch under the slow and lonley burn of a 60 watt stage light.
Suddenly i realized it is too big to capture. it is too big to save. i walked outside. under the darkness that warped over the tree tops and through the stars and silently enveloped the universe, i only felt smaller. I walked down the stairs off the deck and looked across the lake.
"i cannot save this", i thought.
i can not record it onto to tape, or to film.
i can not back it up on any hard drive.
i can not write it down.
i can only live through it. i had been looking forward to that night. i have been looking forward to my whole life. and as soon as it always comes i begin looking back on it.
i walked around the cabin. woody was sitting on the split log bench talking over the campfire light about the tax evading tactics of the Pfizer corporation and the quality of the motel life in Hoboken. so much for ghost stories. and without warning perez and george appeared out of the vignette. and soon bonwag with his guitar was strumming and soon everyone was singing and dancing and laughing. everyone was making what bonwag wanted to caputre on tape.
only there was no tape. there was no microphones. (except for the one woody unplugged from inside the cabin and was singing into as he danced around the brick fire ring like a sioux at a sun dance.) there was no way to save it.
as woody spun around the campfire, i spun around in my head. i realized how vain the attempts are to capture a life such as this. and how much time is wasted looking forward to and looking back on life. and how little time there is to live. i will never take a picure that will be better than the moment i pushed the trigger. i will never write a word more accurate then the moment i lived it. i will never be able to save my friends dancing and singing all around the fire. i could only dance with them as the whitepine burned soft and yellow in the brick fire ring. i could only join in adding a verse to the song about woody and i kissing all the men in new york city.* i could only keep my eyes open and be a witness to my life as it happened.
and later, in the darkness of the cabin, stepheys' voice rose off his pillow from the bottom bunk and into the rafters. it bounced off the underside of the roof with the firelight and the conversation in the soft cedar air. "Is everyone just taking an intermission from sleeping right now?" he asked.
perez was laughing somewhere under a blanket. snags was making sure woody was still breathing. and kiaya's tail was slapping against the bedroom door.
"what time is it? leanne asked.
i pulled my arm out from under leanne, and/or snags, and/or woody's breathing body, held it above the mass of heavy blankets, and looked at my watch.
"4:oo am." i said.
"actually it is 3:oo" she said.
i smiled into soft air and listened to the rain begin to fall outside. suddenly i saw the entire universe gliding through the unimaginable darkness. suddenly i saw our particular sun shining on the other side of this cockeyed planet. suddenly i saw the north american contintinent in the shadow. and i saw the smoke rise from the chimney into the hemlocks above the cabin into the darkness. suddenly i saw the whisky bottles and the candle wax sliding onto the hardwood floor. suddenly i saw, very clearly, woody's sock sliding off his foot as his leg flopped across my face.
i realized that i cannot save time, and it takes forces as big as the solar system, and the eternal momentum of this planet spinning around the infinite energy of the sun to do so. maybe it was intermisson. it was an extra hour of life we were living. and for the celestial time-out, i was surrounded, in very close proximity by some of the best people i could think of on this cockeyed planet.
i cannot save my daylight. i cannot save my life, i can only try to remember it. i felt honored that bonwag should want to save our time together. i felt lucky that i have a life worth trying to save. and i hoped bonwag, as he laid silent and stiffer than the logs the held the roof over all of our heads, knew at least one hour of our day together was saved. and it wasn't with microphones, or cameras, or even with words. and the best way to take advantage of the time saved was too keep my eyes open and watch this cockeyed world spin and dance around with my friends and i.
uh . .. molly was right on every time. i believe the green lights and microphone were trying to get away from you mr vedder.
Posted by: the other indigo girl on October 28, 2003 10:18 PMi think mr. vedder was the closest to fine!!!
Posted by: anon on October 29, 2003 12:20 PMas woody sings, "let it be, let it be, oh let it be, let it be." i think we all are closer to free because of last weekend. what was especially gratifying was the extra hour under the bright harvest moon. though i will never be hurt like that again by the campfire i hope to someday ride off on my motown philly. as i was lying in bed i was hoping someone would come pick me up because of the decibal level perez was snoring at. though cara was asleep woody taught me long ago how steal my kisses.
Posted by: wild dingo on October 29, 2003 02:52 PMi think this little blog thing is just like a "cool" chatroom for us. we should just all log onto IM all day and make eachotehr laugh. then our lives would be going places. dingo- work of genius on the above issue. impressive
Posted by: the girl taht called intermission on October 30, 2003 04:28 PMi thnik taht itnremssion gril adn mr. vedder hvae a fturue togehter
Posted by: edit on October 31, 2003 08:12 PMgorgeous entry into the blog, todd. lots of lessons learned that weekend. and you captured most all of them.
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