October 23, 2003

living comfortably

"Okay. I'll just have to tell you." stephey said. "woody bought a new car. An infiniti something-or-another luxury SUV. leather seats. big wheels. remote keychain thing that starts it. and he wanted to surprise everyone at the cabin this weekend... And he didn't want you to make fun of him for it."

I hung up the phone and smiled. i smiled because he bought a new car. i smiled because he could. i smiled because it reminded me that there are people in my life who are good and successful at what they do.

The phone rang again.

"What do you think about me being a pharmacuetical salesman?" Leanne immedialty asked. "It is good money. I get to travel. I get to go out to dinner." she continued.

"and I like all those things. Especially going out to dinner."

i was trying to imagine her in a business suit. i was trying to imagine her as something she is not. i was trying to understand the consequneces of trying to make a life out of what you love and who you are.

"What about your design jobs?" i asked as every secret hope i have for her started sliding towards the edge youth, and in danger of dissapperaring into adulthood forever and ever.

"I just want to live comfortabley." she said quietly. "I want to have a room where i can fit a bed and a desk in it. i want a room with windows. and i want to not feel guilty for going out to lunch."

maybe she should move into woody's new car, i thought.

"and what i want to do, i don't need to be at a company to do it. i will do it anyways. and i will keep doing it. and someday when comes my way i will get a job doing it."

i tried to listen but it made me sad. it made me sad to listen to her talk not about what she wanted to do but what she felt she needed to do. and i smiled. i smiled because i was trying to imagine her being a pharmacuetical salesman. i smiled because there is a good chance it will never happen. i smiled because she reminded me that there are people in my life who are good and successful at what they are, and maybe someday at what they do.

i hung up the phone and turned off the computer. i wanted to keep working. but i couldn't. i couldn't look at the actionscript staring indifferently back at me from the screen. i couldn't look at the cutting board and the scrap cardboard, or the exacto knife or the camera and it's green light glowing ignoranlty at me in the dim room.

for the first time in my life i wondered if it was worth it. i wondered why i what i do doesn't allow me live comforatalbly. i don't need an infiniti SUV, and i am not willing to do what it takes to get one. but i would like to eat lunch once and while. and have a room big enough put a bed and a desk. i thought about the consequences that come with the fact that i would do what i do no matter what. and sadly, it that is exactly what i am doing.

I walked up the alley and past the girl vomiting in the trash can while the police man waited politley for her to finish. i was wearing my sister's hooded sweatshirt that was too small for me. i took it off. it was cold out but i was tired of everything feeling too small for me.

suddenly it felt like i didn't know anything, and i wondered if i have ever learned anything. it felt like i was still playing soccer in the elementary school grass. my whole life i have only done what i wanted to, and it has lasted 25 years. i have never learned how to be a finacial anaylist, or a pharmacuetical salesman, i have never learned numbers or science or anything that didn't make sense to me. for a split second in the cold and dark i stood there on the street corner holding a sweatshirt that didn't fit and listening to the girl vomit in the trash can and thought about infiniti luxury SUV's, business suits, and bright rooms big enough to fit my desk and a bed into. for a split second it felt like who i am isn't all that comfortable anymore.

jody calls it a quarter-life crisis, and she is making a magazine about it - and i am supposed to design the logotype for it.

i call it reality, and i am trying to make amends with it - and all i want to do is find some common ground between being good at something and being successful at it.

i walked across the street and wondered how infiniti SUV's handled on the road. i wondered how often pharmacuetical salesman get to go out to dinner. and i decided to consider myself lucky that i am 25 years old, and up until now, i have no idea about either one.

and i felt lucky that what i want to do, i am doing it; as uncomfortable as is sometime is. and maybe i don't need to be at a company to do it. because, for better or worse, i will do it anyways. and i will keep doing it. and i am living. and someday - if it comes my way, i will live comfortably.

Posted by Todd Roeth at October 23, 2003 09:24 PM