(See what I am saying?): not needing words

October 07, 2003

not needing words

The sun had set and the leftover dinner was neatly packaged in white cardboard and styrofoam on the back seat. She had been talking about god and faith and all that she had come to believe.

and i was listening to every word. the conversation started at dinner, and even the waitress and the unlimited pasta bowl she kept refilling in front of me did not distract me. we talked right through the check and past the greeters saying goodbye at the front double glass doors. we sat outside the resturaunt on the bench and i listened to her as the waitresses and cooks left work to go home. we talked as the resturaunt closed and the windows went dark. we talked as my mind opened and my convictions lit up.

The pale green and anemic violet light of the car stereo and dashboard reflected on the inside of the windshield and windows, it slid down the glass like melting ice. and the milemarkers blinked past the right side of the jeep like tiger's eyes in the black jungle. She was leaning against the seatbelt like it was a sling helping her hold up the weight of all the thoughts in her head.

The night was big and dark. It felt like it did when i was a little kid and the world was bigger and it was darker and everythng was yet to be understood. It felt like it does when i think too much and understand too little.

I listened to what was right to her. and to what was wrong. I listened to her for real. and for the first time in so many converstations of the sort, i didn't judge and i didn't interrupt.

and for the first time i was envious.

and for the first time i almost understood.

i was envoius of her absolutness. i was envious of her simplicity. and i tried to think of anything in my life that i could compare to her convictions. i was a child in the sandbox wanting to show i her i had big shiny toys to play with with too. i ran through my entire life from that sandbox to the black night with the pale green and anemic violet light sliding down the inside the glass like melting ice and the leftover dinner neatly packaged in white cardboard and styrofoam on the back seat.

She made me tally up what i believe in and what i don't believe in. She made me recite to myself what was right and what was wrong. She made me think about what it is that i want to do. what i should do. and what i wish i could do.

I thought about what drives me. what frusterates me. and what makes me do what i do. I thought about every photograph i have ever taken and every color and shape and every letter of every word on every line i have ever i pushed and pulled and bent and have tried to make mean something more. and i realized the only way i can explain myself and what i do is by continuing to do it. to continue to try to do what is right. to continue to try to understand. to continue to try make what i feel into something i can see. and to make what i see mean something more.

and all the times in my life i have and haven't accomplished that came flashing past me in a slideshow faster and faster until all i saw was kodachromed confusion.

"How do you know what you feel is right?" i finally asked her. "It's like love. how do you know you when you are in love?" i asked.

"with love and faith." she replied, "i wish i could invent new words."

she looked out passenger window into the dark hillsides at everything we did and didn't understand.

"because there are no words already made that will work to express it." she said.

i looked at her looking out the window with her head resting on the seatbelt. and right there i understood her. i undertsood myself. and right then and there she made me believe in what it is that i want to do. and what i should do. and what i wish i could do, and that it has a place in this life. and maybe my understanding in god and faith and love isn't yet completley certain, at least i can believe i am working in the right direction towards them.

"i suppose sometimes it is not always words you are looking for." i replied to her with a smile in the dark.

Posted by Todd Roeth at October 7, 2003 09:44 PM

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