September 25, 2003
the motorcycle ride
Kickball is not the most demanding of games, mentally speaking. i was watching the swallows begin their nightly ritual above the outfield. i suppose it is the moths and mosquitos, intoxicated by the stadium lights, who paid the price for me to stand in left field and watch the forked tails and sharp wings dart across the stale summer sky, seemingly more uncertian of where to go next than i am.
from left field a baseball diamond is a baseball square. and a fly ball against the evening sky is just a fly circle. and like everything else, my life is as it is, depending on how i look at it.
riding home on the back of sam's motorcycle,
i was looking at it from the inside looking out. and i realized that it will never be this way again. it was one of those moments where everything in my life was taken for granted. internal combustible engines, my health, and the birds darting silently overhead all seemed to just be there, and i was left to think about everything i didn't have.
i was riding on the back of the motorcycle, trying to predict when sam was going to shift so i could hold on. i was riding on the back of the motorcycle, trying to predict when anything in my life was going to shift, so i could let go. it was during 3rd gear, i found myself understanding that the things i wish for are somewhere else. and that everything i try for, and everything i stay up late at night for, and everything i just drink water instead of for, is not here, nor was it going to be waiting for me when i got off the motorcycle.
by 4th gear, i wished upon every star in the stale sky that sam would open it up and ride out of my world and take to me to success with freedom, accomplishment with dignity, and to love without doubt.
depending on how you look at it, a stop sign always looks like, - a stop sign. and there were too many on state street to ever go fast enough for my wish to come true. and for a minute, i hoped a comet would fall through the stars that betrayed me, and hit me square on the head and make me forget everything i try for, and everything i stay up late at night for, and everything i just drink water instead of for, -everything i want to do, and find, and everything i keep believing in, so that i could find some contentment. so i could find some peace, some sleep, and something besides water to drink.
Sam dropped me off on the corner up the hill from my house, and then he drove away into the stale summer evening. i walked the rest of the way home past the forked-tounged girls, with their cell phones and perfume, heading to the bars. i walked past the sagging telephone lines, hanging limp like forgotten christmas lights left out in the rain. i walked under the stale sky with it's apathetic stars. There were no comets falling. There was nothing in the house, except my roomate sitting alone on the black patent leather chair, listening to AC/DC, and drinking shots of beer.
i went to the kitchen sink and filled a glass of water, and smiled. i smiled because i will stay up late again tonight, and because i still believe i can find sucess, accomplishment, and maybe even my love, and because it will never be this way again. so i drank the water, and tried my best to be happy about internal combustible engines, my health, and the birds darting silently overhead.
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