September 14, 2003
finding the discounts
I was pushing my cart past a bin in the store that had a pile of discount cassette tapes for $4. i dug through it and found a good one. so i put in the cart with my milk and my peanut butter. Different days and differents seasons and different light lend themselves to different music, but there is music that is always there. music that i feel most comfortable with underneath everything, regardless of time and place and feelings i am in.
and more often than not, it is taken for granted, discounted and placed in a pile in the bargin bin. and it can easily be found , if i decide to look for it.
so i bought the $4 cassette tape of Johnny Cash's 16 biggest hits.
6:oo am the next morning woody called to tell me he was dead.
The news made me think about the trees on the farm at home i can remember being very much in the landscape of my life. My neighbor jerimiah and i would climb in the double trunked cherry tree in the summertime, and i would always have to dive off my skateboard so i wouldn't hit the white pine that grew at the end of the sidewalk past the barn . They were parts of my memory - seemingly so permanent - and no matter what day, or what season, or what light was in my life, they were there, and somewhere along the way i began to take them for granted. I discounted them, and placed in a pile in the corner of my memory.
The cherry tree eventually split at the trunk, and water ran down it's smooth paper bark and rotted the base from the ground up. the pine tree died one summer when i was in high school, and we cut it off flush at the ground and the the mower blades have shaved the rest of the stump down into the grass at the end of the sidewalk past the barn. and the only thing worse than the trees dying, is that as familiar as they were in my life when they were living, i am now as used to them being gone. Things that were once so solid and permanent my life have rotted away, and been cut off flush at the ground. and now it is almost as hard to remember my landscape with them, as it was to think of them then as being gone.
So this weekend, as we walked out of the whitewashed general store with the handwritten signs hanging on the old warped plate glass windows, i asked stephey if he wanted to drive clementine, beacuse i wanted to look at what is in my life. i wanted to not to discount my landscape and the people that are in it. so i sat shotgun, and Stephey put the $4 tape into the audiovox tapedeck that is mounted vertical in the black ammo box bolted between the seats, turned the volume up and turned clementine around behind the gas pumps and sped out of the blue cloud of smoke and down the road. Annie, liz and cara sat on turquisose boat cushions on her weary back seat bench and ate a sack of red liquorice they bought from the store. The calico light seeped through the hemlock trees that streched out over the gravel road. the wind blew around the broken windshield and faded rollbar and carried the liquorice and laughter out into the sunny side ditches as we bounced along under the kaliadascope of light and shadow, of past and present, of life and memory.
i leaned back in the faded leather seat and and listened to johnny cash crackle out of the speakers, laughed at stephey as he wrestled with clementine's floppy and leaking steering column on the winding gravel roads, and i watched the landscape of my life bounce by under the hemlock trees.
There are things here in my life that seem so permanent, so constant, so much part of the landscape of my life. and it is hard - almost impossible- to ever think of them as being gone. but moving down the road i realized that time is moving just as much as i am. and the music reminded me that people aren't permanent, and that trees are not forever, and neither am I.
and more often than not, they all become part of the background. I take them all for granted, discount them, and place in a pile the corner of my memory. But for now, they can easily be found, when i decide to look for them.
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