August 24, 2003
departures and arrivals
If someone ever asks me to name something that is both beautiful and invisible, I will name the secret feeling I get when driving up an on ramp onto the highway.
Even when leaving might be the worst thing i could do, there is something that always makes me accelerate onto the freeway, to look for something, anything, new to meet.
As i drove away, i thought more about it. I wanted to think about something else. But i realized that there is really no in between. In my life i am either waving goodbye, or saying hello. i have had my share of both. I was driving away from the train station. and like interstate on ramps, train stations are good, if for nothing else, saying both of those. and they are especially good for saying goodbye.
At a train station, departures and arrivals are one in the same. I was walking through the dusty shafts of light that sifted down through the galvanized roof and shone bright on the platform. Ahead was a young girl whose pigtails bounced off her thin shoulders as she ran to meet her father. Behind me a guy with a new tatoo was wiping away the tears from his girlfriend's eyes, and kissing her goodbye. I walked past parents waiting to say goodbye. I walked past children waiting to say hello.
As i stood among the guitar cases, aquariums, desk lamps, and empty paint cans getting loaded onto the train, I thought about all the things we take with us throughout our lives instead the people we care about. As i stood there among the daughters, and fathers, and brothers, waiting on passengers to arrive, i realized that is not luggage left behind, but people, that makes us return.
I stood there on the platform in the dusty shafts of light, waving goodbye into the dark train window, as it crawled away, playing the part of countless verses and choruses of countless songs. I walked down the stairs off the platform, past the duffel bags, trunks, and boxes, walked towards my car, and wondered, what was going to happen next. I stopped for a moment to listen to the sound of the train fade away. In front of me was a railroad map of all the destinations in the country. i looked at the map and thought about how many places there are in this country, and how many more there are in the world. but mostly i looked at the map and thought the people i know and how far apart and far away they are from me. As the train finally faded into the summer, i realized that my life, like others i know, are moving just as much as that train. i realized that i have faded away from many people in my life. I began to think about the baggage i have taken with me instead of them. and how many places out there i would have to return to to say hello to them all again. and finally, i realized that even if i could get to them all, they might not be there to say hello to. i am tired of saying goodbye.
As i left the station i arrived at a conclusion. my life will be moving again soon, and the direction that it goes is up to me. i have always been in love with the fact that my destination could be anyplace, but i am tired of saying goodbye. and now i am recognizing that destinations aren't always places.
As i drove up the ramp onto the freeway, I thought about all the times i have said hello, and all the times i have said goodbye. and somtimes, like in train stations, i have done both.
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