August 12, 2003

6x4.5cm

I hung up the phone because my stomach was sinking. It was the sort of feeling you get when you watch the saddest of movies, or when you see and animal get hit on the road. The sort of feeling that makes you feel upset for what you are and the unfair life you are in.

I think the worst thing in life is not being able to look forward to tommorrow. sometimes i think the next worse thing is thinking about tommorrow at all. That converstaion made me think about both, and I felt like my life was moving away from me in every direction.

I put down the phone.

As i walked out the door i wished for some containment in my life. i wished to be able to see it all at once, right in front of me. i wished it would stop moving away from me. i wished for borders. borders that kept everything i knew inside for me.

I set up the lights and the tripod in the women's bathroom at the Smiling Skull Saloon, and got down on my hands and knees. I didn't want to think about why the floor was so wet. I didn't want to think about her. i didn't want to think about how far away everything and everyone i cared about was. I looked though the camera. and at 160 ISO, at f2.8, 1/2 second, i saw the toilet in the dark room in the back corner of the bar. I saw the porceline sink, and the rust covered trap that hung out from below like a tail. i saw the photograph of james dean and his motorcycle. I saw the paper towel rolls. i saw the circles. i saw the squares. i saw all the shapes and geometry. i saw the light that gave them depth and dimension in this world; or at least the wet dark bathroom in the back corner of the bar. and within the 6 x 4.5cm border i could create balance. i could make a compositon. i could control what i saw and make sense of it.

I walked back home. It was uphill and lugging the camera bag and the light stand and the tripod in an august afternoon should have made me uncomforatable. But it didn't. I was fine. and like countless other times, i had found comfort in my work when everything else was anything but. This world is big and have yet to find any edges to it. but somtimes i can put everything right in front of me. sometimes even dirty toilets can be beautiful. somtimes, even for just a 1/2 second i can find the borders, and see my world inside of it.

even if it is only 6 x 4.5cm big.

Posted by Todd Roeth at August 12, 2003 09:47 PM
Comments

on "dogfightdog" and "words only get..." how did you do the typography?

Posted by: amanda on August 14, 2003 10:01 AM

look forward to tomorrow . . . ..

Posted by: Heatherette on August 17, 2003 01:58 AM

todd:
read, it's not how good you are, it's how good you want to be by paul arden (thankfully sold at amazon.com and other commercial bookstores online!). i was at chicago's modern art museum this weekend and it's selling like crazy, it's worth the $8.

"fail. fail again. fail better." : samuel backett
" i haven't failed, I've had 10,000 ideas that didn't work" : benjamin franklin

and remember todd: if you get stuck, draw with a different pen (or continue your great photography!).

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