July 05, 2003

Independence Day

The pale blue light of early morning sat on the street. The sun was slicing it’s light across the rooftops and encroaching ever lower on the sides of the grey buildings across the street. Soon the white morning light would be shining on the over dressed ladies standing on the street corner, and the man in a spandex running suit walking a standard poodle. The barges siting on the river 4 blocks west gave an occasional groan and backing signal from the delivery truck dropping off pineapples to the corner store pierced otherwise docile street corner. It was relatively quiet – for New York City. It is the city that never sleeps, but 7:30 am on the 4th of july; it was, at least, catching its breath.

"Man you like you had a good night." He said as he walked towards me. "You looking to get fucked up?"

"No thanks." I replied. "Besides, I think I already am."

And it wasn’t from the drugs he was offering. But from the girl who was sleeping only a half a block behind me, up 3 brownstone steps, through a glass door, and up three flights of stairs. He laughed and walked on. As the two women wearing headphones ran past me, a stampede of yellow taxis was let out of the gate at the street light. One slowed down in front of me, and rolled down its window.

"No thanks." I yelled out." I am waiting for someone else.

I stood there with my bag on my back, waiting for woody to get the car and pick me up.

I stood there with my bag on my back, waiting to leave her.

I stood there with my bag on my back, waiting for the rest of my life to happen.

It was the first day a new year for me. I was standing in my flip-flops and a stained "havin’ fun west Virginia style" t-shirt. But I couldn’t think that too many people in W.Va. were feeling the way I felt at 7:30 am on the 4th of july on the corner of 46th and 9th ave. Youth and freedom are sometimes sublime agony. I had grabbed my bag, dry heaved over the dirty dishes in the sink, and walked out of her apartment and down the three flights of stairs, out the glass door, and down the three brownstone steps, and into the summertime in new york. There is an energy I am reminded of here. It makes me think about what I should or could be doing with my life. It makes me think about my next job, and it makes me think about money, opportunity, adventure, and the next big move in my life. It makes me think about how I will ever find her again, how I will ever find balance and happiness. I makes me think what it will feel like should i ever be found out, if i ever grow old, if I ever find love, success, and satisfaction, and if it will ever find me.

And as sun poured down the gray buildings, and the corner store opened its front doors, I tried my best size up my situation. I tried my best open my eyes as wide as I could. I tried my best to stop holding my breath, waiting for something big to happen in my life, and start breathing now and realize that big things are happening and they are happening right here and now. I tried my best to be comfortable with the fact that I don’t have the answers, and that my heart is breaking, and I am standing alone on a street corner in new york city on the 4th of july with the drunks, the dog walkers, the hookers, and the fruit delivery guys, with the rest of my life to live. And it will never be this way ever again.

This is my independence. For today.

Posted by Todd Roeth at July 5, 2003 01:16 PM