June 16, 2003
moving day
I don't know what officially defines summer. maybe it's the light, or the weight of the water that sits inside of the air, the chlorophyl that saturates the flora, or the cockeyed slant of the sun as it casts shadows across this particluar latitude. Maybe it is a combination of all that and more. but whatever defines the summer, we rode right through it. and i distinctly remember feeling it right then and there as we coasted down mound street for the last time.
We saved the bicylces for last. everything else had finnaly been moved into storage. bonwag thought it would be a fitting testament to our time there if we parted ways with our house we lived in for the last year by pedaling away on the matching 1972 olive green schwinn cruisers.
"They have 3 speeds." i said to bonwag. "But if you shift gears, be patient, it might take a minute or so to notice." as we pedaled up to the apex of the street, before coasting the rest of the mile or so decsent across town to the storage garage.
I had one of my grandpa's old Guayabera's on. it was unbuttoned and as we picked up speed the summer blew right threw me and spread the shirt out like the faded tan sails of pirate ship. It was one of those times in life when i see myself in third person, and the vingetted view of my life was supersaturated. not only with color, but with feeling. as bonwag and i cruised through athens weaving around the potholes in the brick streets, we passed dumpsters and dithces full of stray coat hangers, 3-ring binders, beer labled vinyl bar banners, and busted veneered coffee tables. pickup trucks and mini vans were crammed full of stained carpets and second hand couches. the alleys were piled high with plastic laundry baskets full of empty cd cases, bottles of ketchup, jars of pickles, abandoned window fans and all the residue of college living.
Lately, i have been hearing the same thing from many people of varying relationships in my life. I havn't been asking anyone the same questions, but somehow, as of late, i have been hearing the same message. and as we coasted down mill street past the u-hauls and the front yard graduation picnics, those words played through my head like a soundtrack.
you are always so guarded.
you are such a commitment-phobe.
you are emotionally retarded.
you are just a boy playing the game.
you are always on the run.
you are too cool to care.
you are stupid.
you are always so indirect.
you are horrible at communicating your feelings.
and they always ask me why. i guess that is sort of like asking fish why it is always wet; i have no other life to compare myself to.
as we rode bicycles through the summer, i wondered what this all means. i wondered if i spend more time moving towards - or away from other people. i wondered what all of this commentary of late means. is everyone else seeing me better than i am? am i changing? or am i not, but supposed to be?
as we parked the bikes and i pulled the aluminum door down on the storage garage, and locked the last of my cardboard boxed belongings safely out of sight behind the closed door. i felt awkwardly at peace.
"it has been a good year and a strange year" bonwag said as we walked away.
indeed it has been. and now i am moving on. and as i shift gears, i guess i will have to patient, it might take a minute or so to notice.
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