April 19, 2003
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clancy was sitting on my bed. his white socks had long lost their elasitcity, and had slid down off the end of his feet until they looked like albino beagle ears hanging out of his blue jeans. He threw the columbus dispatch on the floor. "Yesterday it was the Cleveland Plain Dealer, i guess today it is the Distpatch."
"what is it."
"You mean you haven't heard?"
I leaned over in my chair and picked up the paper. "I have been living in a hole i guess." I opened the paper and leaved through the different sections.
"Larry has formal charges agaisnt him for sexual harrasment. It it blew up wednesday, and every paper in the state is calling the department trying to get the scoop."
It was about then that i found the article on page C5 of the metro/state section.
There are always containers in life. boundaries. zones. There are comfort zones. There are boundaries of familiarity, in physical space, intellectual space, i suppose emotional space too. They are designated by boundaries. When you cross those boundaries, perspectives change. Maybe that is why cows seem content to graze in the same pasture their whole life. That pasture is their universe, container. It is familiar. It is comfortable. It is their frame of reference. But should the gate ever be left open, and they walk out of it. Then they might realize how contained and limited thier life has been to that point. suddenlty that pasture gets a whole lot smaller.
Reading in the state newspaper quotes from the director of my college argueing over the symantics of whether the student verbally objected before he took her bra off or not, was sort of like me wandering through and open gate. My reference got reframed.
As i finished the article i was dumbfounded. I knew of the stories. His book of naked student photos. His attitude towards girls in the program. But now it seemed real. Clancy continued with a bunch of info about the ordeal. He talked about how all faculty reacted. Now I was listeninng to Clancy sitting on my bed in his sagging tube socks telling me about how all my teachers were answering reporter's questions about nudity and bra straps i felt the frame around my reference keep getting bigger. And my boundaries of familiarity getting smaller. "So much for the whole role model thing." is said lightly. "Well'" said Clancy, I think the attituide i have, and i think a lot of the faculty have is that Larry has his obvoius merits. Everyone has their faults, it is human to screw up. As good as somone is at one thing, they likeley lack at somewhere else."
My reference kept zooming out. I was walking farther from the pasture. It wasn't that my perspective of Larry had changed. I still respected him as much as before clancy kicked off his new balances and jumped on my bed with the newspaper. Maybe in some unusual way, i respect him more. He used to be the person who decided what pictures we saw in the national geographic, was was the epitimay of good visual judgement, let me into grad school, and gave me a scholarship. Now he is guy who decided what pictures we saw in the national geographic, is the epitimay of good visual judgement, let me into grad school, and gave me a scholarship, and likes to see girls naked.
I don't know who did what or why. I am not concerend about the details of this particular event. But what it does make me think about is my unstationary perspective that defines my reality.
I began to think about all the pastures i have lived in in my life. All the boundaries i have placed in my life and around other people in my life. I thought about when the sherrif arrested me for breaking curfew in high school. I though about when me and the intern got so drunk we didn't show up for work until noon during my first month at my new job out of college. I thought about all the rules i have broke. All the containers i have fell out of. Was my parents attitude the same as my professors? Did the sherrif go home that morning and laugh with his wife about the poor kid who got caught? Did my boss close her office door and say "boys will be boys."?
I have crossed a lot of boundaries. Most have been going from right into wrong. But i am okay. I am still grazing. I am just grazing in a bigger pasture.
I am beggining to examine the containers in my life. I am questioning the boundaries i have placed between comfortable and uncomfortable. I am examining the mental zones i have put around the 'important' people in my life. I am begginining to realize that the biggest boundaries in my life are due to my own perception . Most of the fences in my life are built by my own doing. And I can open the gates most any time i choose.
One time growing up (as if it is over), i remember a cow walking through our front yard. It was just wandering abound under the pear trees eating grass. Even the farmer was laughing when he came to take it back. I can still remember him saying " If i was a cow, i suppose i would want to wander too."
Posted by Todd Roeth at April 19, 2003 02:19 AMheavy. And as the pasture continues to grow, we yearn for it to be smaller. I feel like I continue to get warning signs to slow down - to let off the gas a bit, hang up the cell phone and stop thinking about the next trick to turn. complexity grows and wains. and at the core of it all, the director of your program is finding his bliss the way 10,000 other people are in Athens - through naked freshman. suppose he's onto something.
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